Stuck in the Middle

Rightfully, not the most elegant title, but being in the middle and/or falling through the cracks is where I've always been. Trust me, it's not the most popular place to be. Women: our grandmothers, great-grandmothers, and beyond fought for us, they fought hard so we could be seen, be heard, and not be put into a category, stereotyped as "a woman" or pre-judged. We are all humans. It's 2021 and we still feel it. I cannot believe it is still part of our daily lives and how much of it comes from other women.

I was born in 1981, which means I grew up in the 80s and 90s. It was difficult as a big kid. I wasn't bullied, I wasn't made fun of, which makes me extremely fortunate, but it was challenging in other ways, and let me say, being poor with parents who lived paycheck to paycheck didn't help. Clothes, fashion, activities, just really fitting in. I was a happy kid, very bubbly with a little bit of shyness mixed in. I had friends. Everyone knew me, even through high school. I kept up with my studies and always had As and Bs, but I wasn't smart enough to hang with the "Academically Gifted" crowd, but me staying involved in my studies meant those teens that didn't, also weren't interested in hanging with me. Shockingly, I wasn't popular either, so while the popular and the nonpopular people knew me, I wasn't a full-time citizen in either of their school-aged worlds. I fell somewhere in the middle.

My biggest struggle as an overweight girl: I remember wanting a pair of saddle shoes in elementary school. I'm not as old as you may be thinking, they did pop back into fashion trends in the 80s. My mother did everything she could to find me a pair, knowing she had them in her childhood and her memories of enjoying them herself. She finally found a store that had them in stock after making several phone calls, so we drove to a department store at the mall, which was typically out of our budget, went inside only to find out they didn't go up to the size I needed. I was so upset. Back to the basic white canvas shoes (store-brand Keds). That's where it all started.

Where did overweight kids buy clothes? I was often shopping with my mother in department stores from time to time for me, Tallhimers, Hamricks, and Wal-mart as well. Those weren't exactly the cool places to shop with the trendiest of clothes for a teenager. We often went to Harmricks and the section I shopped in always screamed teachers and older women while growing up. I can still see the racks of clothes that fit me: thin blue jean dresses, some with the jumper top, and long blue- jean skirts, oversized sweaters and turtlenecks, elastic waistbands, the crappy light blue material that screamed generic and cheap. Oh, and let's not forget the rows and rows of white generic canvas shoes to match all of that blue. The shoes were too long and looked like boats on my feet because I needed the width, so I had to go up to sizes. Those freaking shoes... the shoes that without fail, were dirty almost immediately, and that only meant one thing: the dreaded washing machine. Man, the smell that came from washed and dried canvas shoes as a kid. Yikes. Thankfully those $5 shoes never lasted very long. And how about those oversized, white Tazmanian Devils t-shirts Wal-mart sold? To this day, you will not see me in shirts with big pictures or prints; I'm truly scarred for life. And I knew if I heard "try the men's section" ONE MORE TIME, I was gonna lose my shit. NO, the shirts aren't the same; NO the shoes aren't the same.

I remember Fashion Bug popping up in the local mall in my teens and they had a plus-sized section. I LOVED shopping there. The quality sucked, but I didn't care, as a teenager who cared about the quality??? At the age of 15, I wanted to work just so I could buy myself clothes. By then, Lane Bryant was entering my life. I worked at a Mcdonald's with my mother about 40 minutes from home, the "money area" of Charlotte. For you locals: The Arboretum on Providence Rd. Although now, it's not exactly luxurious, this place was the epitome of coolness and money in the 90s; definitely where the teenagers wanted to be. Since we were there, it allowed me to find a better more fashion-forward store and it helped with better clothing, the start to my individualism and acceptance. Thankfully, more stores have since realized we, too, need clothes and will pay for them.

All of that to say, I'm a big person and always have been. I struggled during adolescence. I turned 40 this year and I still struggle. I've made changes in my life; huge changes, and am still a big person. After working with my doctors regularly, still struggle. Like many, the struggle will be a part of the rest of my life. I have always been confident. My friends and I vacationed together one year, meeting up with one of their friends who was complete stranger to me. I was a size 22 in a two-piece bathing suit in the early 2000s and she was simply shocked I was wearing a 2-piece, but honestly, I didn't think anything about my suit being so "out there" or "abnormal"; it was so natural to me that I never thought about it. I remember overhearing (a close friend) Phillip saying "that's Sarah, that's who she is" during one of their conversations. She herself was overweight, likely my size, and I remember her coming up to me and saying she was so happy to see how confident I was to wear that 2-piece, and wished she could have the same confidence. Fast forward 15+ years, I still have that confidence. If it comes in my size and I like it, no doubt, I buy it. I am me, and no one can take that shit away from me.

In the last few years, fat-phobia has become a coined term and has taken off. People embracing their "fatness" and pride is all around us. Strong individuals being open, sharing with the world: images of their bodies, confidence, and that they too are living wonderfully is simply amazing to me! It makes me so happy to see that I'm not alone in my size, in my confidence, and doing it all in the spirit of those women before us who could not. These women are fighting against diet culture and showing we are beautiful just like those who wear straight sizes. They are proving their "fatness" isn't any of anyone else's business. To those that are offended by this: What are these women doing that is harming you personally anyway? We are all human, no matter the size, shape, color, design, or build of our bodies. I fall into this group of people by default in a way. It's an amazing feeling to belong sometimes. I like having other strong individuals that want to wear whatever in public and just be themselves through various forms of expression without having to think about it or defend our decisions. It's the coolest. I like not being alone; there's always power in numbers and, let's face it, that's how we get shit done. Plus, I can finally discuss both the struggles and exhilaration of shopping experiences, have a voice in things, have people listen, talk about overcoming fears about trying new things, or even discriminatory-like practices with people that truly get it all, they get me. Or do they?

You know those changes I mentioned earlier? Let's discuss. I followed the original South Beach plan many years ago when I first started thyroid medication. Having my Hashimoto's diagnosed with a TSH of 10, and having seen what Depo Provera had assisted in doing, it was time to try to do something to feel better. The original South Beach Diet was great. Against Dr. Agiston's requests, I stayed in Phase 1 longer than two weeks and I felt amazing. But, life happened and it became unsustainable. The roller coaster ride of Hashimoto's and meds was a contributing factor to this failed experiment and it will have a separate blog soon, but in a nutshell: Restricting myself was a mental challenge. The book literally lists "foods to avoid". As someone with eating issues, telling me I can't have it can/will cause the desire. You've heard it before, but I only realized it in hindsight. I felt restricted because I was restricting myself. I wasn't ready.

Fast forward to 2 years ago. The side effects of diabetes meds were too much for my gut and I was already taking multiple gut medications already. I was on blood pressure meds and the same 275 mcg of Synthroid I had been for many years. It then became time for insulin. Long story short, I was injecting myself 3-5 times a day with a mix of both long-term and short-term insulin, but the numbers just weren't doing down on the glucose meter. I was both mentally and physically exhausted, and quite honestly, broke all of the damn time. I was spending a fortune on meds and supplies, and carrying around so much diabetic crap in my purse; all for what? To be free to eat unlimited sugar? I finally asked myself: Do those potatoes or cupcakes really mean that much to me in life? because this diabetic-hampster wheel of horrors has to stop.

Enter the Keto Life: January of 2020, I was fed up. I started an IG account to hold myself accountable and to share my real-life struggles. I was met with open arms. I have some of the kindest, most supportive followers. We support each other in our ups and downs, and in our evolvement. We don't bully each other, no matter how much we may disagree with one another. I message strangers regularly and they to me as well. We educate each other by sharing recipes and knowledge. It's been wonderful having them this last year. If you are one of those people, I love you for this. I'm here for you no matter what and I hope you feel the same.

Reality: I have not lost even one pound doing Keto. Actually, in the beginning, I was shocked at how quickly I lost twenty pounds and we celebrated at the doctor's office, not because the weight was gone, but because my medication refills were lower dosages. But, those pounds came back just as quickly as they came off. I wasn't sad. Most might ask me why so here's that answer. Because I still felt amazing. I had energy. I was sleeping better. I didn't need those damned diabetes meds if I wasn't eating simple carbohydrates. I was drinking homemade bone broth daily, so I was super hydrated with nutrients rather than diet sodas. It was making a huge difference for me. One of my earliest realizations became the most important: how I felt day to day, or my illness-meter, if you will, is so much more important than what a scale reads. Shockingly, I do own a scale. It was purchased 3 years ago solely to use for luggage weights before our international vacations. No lie. I think I've been on it once. My guidance is simply how I feel and what my bloodwork says. That's how I live.

I think it is important to note that the twenty-pound weight loss ended up being a product of COVID. I was sick for about seven weeks, starting mid-March, so testing was nearly impossible. I ate my way through being sick, and boy did I eat well! Steak, seafood, bacon eggs, salads, fresh veggies, and drank the bone broth I was making. I attribute my non-inflammatory food diet to some of the success of not having the worst of the symptoms because I am super high risk. I starting passing on potatoes, breads, and sugar a couple of months before the illness period. There is very little research on the Keto diet with COVID, you will need to do your own research, as I am far, far from being any type of medical professional. But my rationale was simple: It's an inflammatory illness, so perhaps not ingesting inflammatory foods might take some of the strain off of my body. I have multiple inflammatory diseases and certainly don't need any extra strain. As I said, please, everyone needs to always do their own research for their own bodies and choices.

While my Keto journey doesn't focus on weight loss, others' journies do. You know what? That is okay! For whatever reason you desire to do Keto or any change in eating habits or your life as a whole for that matter, I am here to support you, listen, celebrate your happiness and your successes of all kinds. I love good news. I mean, who doesn't freaking love to hear good news??? Does it upset me to see people struggle daily with getting on the scale and seeing fluctuations? Yes. Do I say anything? No. I say supportive things, congratulate, applaud, but sometimes don't say anything at all. In this support group-type of environment that has been built, it's important to "feel the room" and adjust to the situation of each individual person when they reach out. We all make our own decisions and I am always supportive of that. I am far from judgemental because I certainly don't want to be judged. It sucks.

With that being said, you will not hear me celebrate my weightloss if it ever happens. Any weight loss that may occur, will simply be a side effect of my eating habits and choices. I don't often discuss this on my IG page; bringing it up seems like I may have a negative effect on those around me, and I don't want to appear unsupportive of my friends' desires because it is NOT the case. This blog is a better platform to explain why my choices are my own. After years of seeing many doctors and discussing health and wellness, it's clear, I will always be a larger person. I will always be somewhere above the medically desired chart lines. Is it possible for me to be closer to that line than I am now? Maybe, maybe not. Everyone's body is different as well as their medical issues and, remember, it's just not my personal goal.

It isn't my place to force my beliefs on other individuals and I wish others would stop trying to force theirs on me. My food relationship was hard work; it's still hard work. This year of teleworking, creating in the kitchen, and learning new foods, has been an eye-opener. I truly do believe eating the way I do is a choice and I am so happy that I continue to make it daily. I'm not a hostage to potatoes or bread anymore. I did that for myself. No one told me to do it. It was a realization I had to make on my own and I did. Keto has helped me realize how much overeating I was really doing and when it was triggered. Keto keeps me from doing that now. Why Keto? Most people cannot eat bacon all day long, every day, constantly, like one might do with potato chips or candy. Trust me when I say, you get tired of it and the nauseousness comes to greet you full-force. There was one day in the beginning, that I ate an entire pound of bacon; not all at once but over an 8(ish) hour period. Geez, Louise. It will never happen again. It was far from an enjoyable experience. I don't regret eating it though. It helped me learn some valuable lessons about my habits.

Two Worlds Collide: So, here I am, an obese forty-year-old, who's independent, happy, and becoming healthier through changing my eating habits and exercise. Where do I belong? The memes and information coming from "fat world" type social media accounts tend to say we shouldn't be dieting. We shouldn't be celebrating. We should simply be happy with who we are. They shout "inclusivity". I agree with most of that, but, some of these same accounts, aren't responsive to my lifestyle choices and shun me because I follow a low-carb diet, saying I am part of the "diet culture" problem in our society. Do you not consider someone needing to have their bodies work better for them without medications, a necessary enough reason to change their diet and lifestyle? Why am I being subcategorized? Aren't I now being pre-judged? The very same thing that they are trying to abolish?

The Keto community can also be brutal without them even knowing. Following a more Ketovore approach means I don't have a need to count macros, and that makes it difficult to participate in certain conversations. Not being able to join in on weight loss discussions, group follow-chains, and/or restrictive or OMAD challenges keeps me out of the loop from so many individualized meetings and subgroups. I also don't eat a lot of newer Keto-branded processed foods and that hinders my involvement in a number of things as well. I cannot share my experiences with these new products, because I recognize they are gateway drugs for me, to those old habits of overusing processed foods. This keeps me from growing with the pack, evolving with them. It makes my fresh content approach more difficult, and honestly hinders the majority of new Keto-ers from engaging and getting to really know who I am in the social media world.

Where do I belong? Do I start retaking shitty meds and eating simple carbs to fit in with the "fat world" accounts? Do I change who I am and suddenly start caring about what the scale says and work on a lower number, knowing if it happens, that it goes against what I believe works for me?

No, I do neither. I fall through the cracks and have to navigate the middle ground walking on pins and needles as not to offend anyone on either side. I sit back and hope to see others like me come out and open up. I keep to myself and hope that my presence and my story can help someone else realize they aren't alone in the middle. I know I am not alone in this weird place, but with that small chance that I am, I can then only hope this message sheds a light on our middle-life struggles to some of the hardcore shunners prejudging us. We belong. We don't have to choose sides. It's okay to support us too. I may have fat on my body, but my fat doesn't define me. Yes, I eat low carb, but that doesn't define me either.

Big Girl Breakdown: I am happy with who I am, but I feel like complete shit when my body feels as if it is breaking down simply because of ingesting intolerable foods, and the medications to overcome diseases developed while eating some of them.

On RARE occasions, I do choose to eat something I would normally say "no" to. This is part of me being honest with everyone. I ask myself if I want it, just like at a restaurant when I may be deciding between a piece of Mahi Mahi or a filet. what do I want? I look at the menu differently. What side dish or salad sounds good.... because I have more choices now that I have moved beyond my childhood potato and bread staples. If Tom has potatoes or fries, and I want a bite, I'll eat it. Guess what? Sometimes, it tastes like crap and I'm reminded of why I so often choose differently now. Sometimes that tater tot tastes like nothing, not even the damn potato it was made from, I mean, where did the potato flavor go? Have they always tasted like that and I was just mindlessly eating them? Tom will attest to these facts, we often talk about food flavors when I eat something out of my norm. I did that on my own. I changed my brain, by changing my palate, by actually tasting foods and learning about them, and being more open-minded to new things. Because I don't restrict myself, saying no to something by choice gives me the power. It is important that I keep the power in this relationship, and not give it back to the food.

Today, over a year later: I'm still a big person, hence my IG/Blog name (wink, wink). I haven't lost weight and don't care. However:

1. I don't need to take my diabetes meds daily.

2. I take less acid reflux medication.

3. My Synthroid dosage has dropped from 275 mcg to 224 mcg and my TSH is as high as it can go without me experiencing hyperthyroid symptoms at a .10

4. The swelling is down in my body; my WBC is regularly down below 9 previously always above 11.

5. My joints don't hurt daily and my headaches have lessened.

6. My menorrhagia is disappearing and my PMDD is becoming more manageable.

How can "dieting" or changing my eating lifestyle be a bad thing if I am seeing these changes? How can working on lowering my medication dosages and lessening my bodily struggles cause me to not be welcomed? Why is it acceptable for me to feel shunned or unaccepted because I am trying to live for myself? Why am I stuck in the middle of two worlds when I should clearly be a part of both?